A controlling partner may not always be easy to spot. While some of them may act overtly menacing, others will resort to subtle manipulation tactics in an attempt to “keep you in check.”
Perhaps it started out with your partner wanting to spend all of their time with you and learning all the details of your life. It felt great having so much attention. But somewhere along the line, it started feeling like a bit too much for you. It’s hard to pin down exactly when.
What you do know is that you’ve been feeling increasingly hesitant about doing certain things on your own or making some decisions independently. You seem to crave the privacy and autonomy you once had. You feel you have to calculate every move around your partner.
If this is the case, you might be in a controlling relationship.
It’s natural and not uncommon to want to stay in a romantic relationship, even if some aspects don’t work for you. This is particularly the case if you love them and they say they love you.
Sometimes, controlling partners don’t even realize they’re doing it, making the decision of whether to stay or go even more complex. It’s a lot to unpack.
Relationships with controlling partners may be more common than many think. People of every gender identity can behave in controlling ways or can be on the receiving end of these behaviors.
Signs you may be in a controlling relationship
If you jump into hot water, your reaction might be to rush out of it. But what happens when you step into lukewarm water and slowly turn the heat up?
This analogy may help you understand the dynamics of a controlling relationship. Some of your partner’s behaviors may be so subtle or crop up so gradually that they can be hard to detect at first. You may even start getting used to some of them. And then, one day, you may realize the water is too hot and you’re hurting.
Not all controlling partners behave in the same way, though. There are many degrees of control, and the control may be subtly integrated into your relationship.
What really matters is how you feel about these behaviors. Do they make you feel insecure, uncomfortable, or hand-tied about some aspects of yourself and your life? This may be a red flag in itself.
They make decisions for you
There’s a blurry line between attentiveness and pressure. But it may be the latter if your partner routinely makes decisions for you.
Perhaps they always insist on driving you everywhere, or they hog time in your schedule.
They may also make arrangements with your friends without asking you first, or they may paint or redecorate according to their taste only.
If they disagree with the way you dress, they might tell you so, or they could start slowly “changing your wardrobe” by buying specific outfits as gifts to you.
They’re overprotective
Caring for you isn’t the same as controlling you, though sometimes it may be difficult for you to tell them apart.
A partner may be overprotective if they question who you’ve gone out with, get upset if you don’t answer a phone call right away, or act jealous of your friends and family.
They may also assume that you’re only safe when they’re around, or they may ask you to consult with them every time you’re making a decision about your life.
They may be on top of your medical appointments, draw a special diet for you, or advise you against that coworker they don’t like.
Any of these behaviors on their own might not mean anything in particular. But if they repeatedly act this way and won’t take your interests, needs, and opinions into account, they might be trying to control you.
Perhaps it started out with your partner wanting to spend all of their time with you and learning all the details of your life. It felt great having so much attention. But somewhere along the line, it started feeling like a bit too much for you. It’s hard to pin down exactly when.
What you do know is that you’ve been feeling increasingly hesitant about doing certain things on your own or making some decisions independently. You seem to crave the privacy and autonomy you once had. You feel you have to calculate every move around your partner.
If this is the case, you might be in a controlling relationship.
It’s natural and not uncommon to want to stay in a romantic relationship, even if some aspects don’t work for you. This is particularly the case if you love them and they say they love you.
Sometimes, controlling partners don’t even realize they’re doing it, making the decision of whether to stay or go even more complex. It’s a lot to unpack.
Relationships with controlling partners may be more common than many think. People of every gender identity can behave in controlling ways or can be on the receiving end of these behaviors.
Signs you may be in a controlling relationship
If you jump into hot water, your reaction might be to rush out of it. But what happens when you step into lukewarm water and slowly turn the heat up?
This analogy may help you understand the dynamics of a controlling relationship. Some of your partner’s behaviors may be so subtle or crop up so gradually that they can be hard to detect at first. You may even start getting used to some of them. And then, one day, you may realize the water is too hot and you’re hurting.
Not all controlling partners behave in the same way, though. There are many degrees of control, and the control may be subtly integrated into your relationship.
What really matters is how you feel about these behaviors. Do they make you feel insecure, uncomfortable, or hand-tied about some aspects of yourself and your life? This may be a red flag in itself.
They make decisions for you
There’s a blurry line between attentiveness and pressure. But it may be the latter if your partner routinely makes decisions for you.
Perhaps they always insist on driving you everywhere, or they hog time in your schedule.
They may also make arrangements with your friends without asking you first, or they may paint or redecorate according to their taste only.
If they disagree with the way you dress, they might tell you so, or they could start slowly “changing your wardrobe” by buying specific outfits as gifts to you.
They’re overprotective
Caring for you isn’t the same as controlling you, though sometimes it may be difficult for you to tell them apart.
A partner may be overprotective if they question who you’ve gone out with, get upset if you don’t answer a phone call right away, or act jealous of your friends and family.
They may also assume that you’re only safe when they’re around, or they may ask you to consult with them every time you’re making a decision about your life.
They may be on top of your medical appointments, draw a special diet for you, or advise you against that coworker they don’t like.
Any of these behaviors on their own might not mean anything in particular. But if they repeatedly act this way and won’t take your interests, needs, and opinions into account, they might be trying to control you.